me: red
tokla: yellow
Monday, July 30, 2012
I wish I was stronger.
I am down for almost anything, but there are two things sex-related that I will not tolerate.
Threesomes (or any type of sharing) and watching porn together.
I understand that guys love this etc etc, but I have yet to find a loyal girlfriend (my age) who is willing to admit that they're completely fine with either of this. (I know people in movies or whatever do orgies all the time but there's actually a lot of feelings involved)
Knowing that the person you love, the person you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with, wants to touch someone else, be intimate with someone else and downright want to fuck someone else, is not a good feeling. It's one of the worst feelings of the word, looking into their eyes and seeing them lust over someone else. Losing that spot, that "only one" spot... Knowing the things they'd want to do to another person just hurts so much. I have too much fear and negative feelings associated with those two things. They brought on the worst times in my life, and I do not want to relive that.
I know some people thing that it's cool, it's healthy, to watch porn together. But I can't. I have to admit it's one of the one things I can't do. Ever since I fell in love it's been tough picturing or even just listening to how amazing /hot/sexy/beautiful someone else is to your significant other. Let alone watching them watching half naked or full on naked girls in movies. I just can't. It makes me feel weird inside. I can't explain it, I really hate that feeling. I can't breathe inside, it hurts my heart. I don't want to watch him watching someone else. I can't explain it in any other way... Feelings of inadequacy and such arise and although it can be irrational (celebrities, etc) it still hurts. I'll never look like that, or be able to do what they do, or be portrayed as they are. I don't want to know that he would want them or want to fuck them or do whatever to them, with them. I hate this stupid feeling I have. It's stupid. But I can't change it, that's how I feel and i try to ignore or just zone out of the moment or situation, like if someone keeps asking him if he thinks so and so is hot or who's hotter or etc etc, it's like, :/ why. am. i. here.........................................................
Sometimes I want to watch deezed, half naked, romantic dudes but then again, I don't think that would bother him. and I don't know why! I don't think i've tried, but if I were to say a certain someone was hot or amazing whether it be a celebrity or someone we knew, I don't think it would bother him! It's not fair! Or he'd just be like, "but Tokla's duga and romantic too so its ok" or "oh well if you think he's all that then why aint you with him? cuz you're not, you're with tokla, cuz you know tokla's the best" and just brushes it off. I wish I could do that. damn. ARGHHHHH i don't know. i don;t know. i don't knowwwwwwwwwwwwww..
what's wrong with me.
oh right. I'm just like every other girl out there that gets jealous.
UGHH why. It's so pathetic.
Threesomes (or any type of sharing) and watching porn together.
I understand that guys love this etc etc, but I have yet to find a loyal girlfriend (my age) who is willing to admit that they're completely fine with either of this. (I know people in movies or whatever do orgies all the time but there's actually a lot of feelings involved)
Knowing that the person you love, the person you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with, wants to touch someone else, be intimate with someone else and downright want to fuck someone else, is not a good feeling. It's one of the worst feelings of the word, looking into their eyes and seeing them lust over someone else. Losing that spot, that "only one" spot... Knowing the things they'd want to do to another person just hurts so much. I have too much fear and negative feelings associated with those two things. They brought on the worst times in my life, and I do not want to relive that.
I know some people thing that it's cool, it's healthy, to watch porn together. But I can't. I have to admit it's one of the one things I can't do. Ever since I fell in love it's been tough picturing or even just listening to how amazing /hot/sexy/beautiful someone else is to your significant other. Let alone watching them watching half naked or full on naked girls in movies. I just can't. It makes me feel weird inside. I can't explain it, I really hate that feeling. I can't breathe inside, it hurts my heart. I don't want to watch him watching someone else. I can't explain it in any other way... Feelings of inadequacy and such arise and although it can be irrational (celebrities, etc) it still hurts. I'll never look like that, or be able to do what they do, or be portrayed as they are. I don't want to know that he would want them or want to fuck them or do whatever to them, with them. I hate this stupid feeling I have. It's stupid. But I can't change it, that's how I feel and i try to ignore or just zone out of the moment or situation, like if someone keeps asking him if he thinks so and so is hot or who's hotter or etc etc, it's like, :/ why. am. i. here.........................................................
Sometimes I want to watch deezed, half naked, romantic dudes but then again, I don't think that would bother him. and I don't know why! I don't think i've tried, but if I were to say a certain someone was hot or amazing whether it be a celebrity or someone we knew, I don't think it would bother him! It's not fair! Or he'd just be like, "but Tokla's duga and romantic too so its ok" or "oh well if you think he's all that then why aint you with him? cuz you're not, you're with tokla, cuz you know tokla's the best" and just brushes it off. I wish I could do that. damn. ARGHHHHH i don't know. i don;t know. i don't knowwwwwwwwwwwwww..
what's wrong with me.
oh right. I'm just like every other girl out there that gets jealous.
UGHH why. It's so pathetic.
Dinner
Had dinner with the fams, (minus Ben) and... okay to be honest I don't want to talk about it, talked a lot about my mother and how i'm just SO much like her... amongst other problems. But anyway, bonded with my sister a bit, talked about dreams, and how we should start up our HBA vlogs... Picked some clothes out from her closet, seriously, everytime I look into someone's pile of "clothes they no longer wear" it's like a treasure chest.
Anyway.
Anyway.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Noodles
I was making Mi Goreng and i thought to myself, "Well if I go back down they're gonna want some. So i should add two more packets.
They ate it all.
They ate it all.
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